How to Give Passive Aggressive Gifts for Christmas

Tired of evading the truth when it comes to the people in your life who really belong on your naughty list? If you're too shy or lack the courage to state the obvious about the badly behaved people in your life, giving them "passive-aggressive gifts" for Christmas can be one way to get across your message wrapped up in Christmas finery––and all with a smile.

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Draw up your Christmas lists. Have one for the nice and one for the naughty. It's only the naughty ones you're going to be applying this article to.

Be a miser. For the person in your life who insists on never giving you anything decent for Christmas or who forgets your birthday and other events during the year, repay their thoughtlessness with some of your own by donating all your freebies. Over the year it's probable that you've gathered a few free items from hotel soaps and shampoos to sample tea bags and soft drinks. Bundle everything up into a "hamper basket", selecting especially those items that say prominently "sample" and "not for sale". Wrap in cellophane with a big bow and slap their gift tag on it. They'll get the message.
- Give the items that come free with an 8 pack of toilet rolls or free with the cereal packet. You could mention how carefully you put aside everything over the year to ensure that the recipient would receive the entire collection.
- Share a gift that tells the person you didn't even try. Buy anything from the Postal Store just before mailing your Christmas cards. Or buy the last-minute impulse buys from the check out counter selection, the things you know they see every time they line up in the same queue.

Return bad taste with bad taste. Is there someone in your life whose idea of tasteful leaves much to be desired? Visit the dollar store and find the most kitsch item that somehow relates to who they are and buy it. Then wrap it up gloriously with a big tag and place under the Christmas tree.
- Look for those kitschy figurines made in China, such as teddies, dolphins and the like. Great for giving to the stingy sister-in-law who is absolutely houseproud and will feel hidebound to put the dreadful thing on display.
- For the detested business person in your life, buy a cheap and nasty diary with a similar quality pen. More point scoring if the pen has a fluffy animal glued to the tip.
- Kitsch from yesteryear is another option. Visit an antique store or thrift store and rummage through the kitsch of times past. They've been churning out gewgaws for decades and you can even tell the recipient "it's an antique!", inferring that they ought to be grateful.

Frame them. For the vainer naughty person in your life, find the worst photo possible of them and get it framed. But don't just get it framed––have it enlarged and then framed.
- Bonus points for compromising moments such as vomiting post an office party or rolling their eyes near someone they suck up to.
- When they open it, be sure to state with an emphatic smile: "That's my favorite photo of you!"
- A variant on the framed photo theme is to give a photo of a detested or feared family member in all their glory.

Make the gift––badly. A handmade gift poorly done is ideal for the person in your life who spouts a lot of drivel about being highly artistic or for the wannabe greenie who insists material possessions mean nothing to them despite their extensive carbon footprint. Sure, you have absolutely no talent for making anything but what you lack in talent, make it up in passion. Use tape where stitching would have been better, use markers where paint would have been better, in fact, use anything that cuts corners and makes the end result rather hideous. Add a tag "Made with love from me to you XXX" and attach to the handmade object.
- When they open it, jump up and down eagerly near them, asking them "Do you like it? Do you like it? I made it just for you!"
- If it's something that goes somewhere in the household, make a suggestion as to where you think it'd go perfectly in their home. Suggest you'll pop over to help hang/place/insert, etc. it.
- A variant on this is to make something well but ensure that it's something the recipient will despise. For example, make aprons for a woman who can't bear cooking or make a tie rack for a man who never wears ties.
- Good skill-less choices include papier mâché, scrapbooking and decoupage. Of course, there are masters of each of these crafts but that doesn't mean they can't lend themselves to shoddy workmanship.

Get weighty. Justify a jab at another person's weight by sincerely suggesting through giving that you have concern for their well being and health... Buy diet-related products for the person in your life whom you feel needs to lose weight. It might be the inflammatory shock to their system they need. Try diet drinks, exercise DVDs, weight loss program vouchers and the like. You score extra points if it's a bossy so-and-so who literally "throws their weight around." Be super sweet when they open it, saying something like "I thought you'd really love these racy exercise DVDs/tasty diet drinks for a change of pace. I just wanted to help, as I know how it feels."
- Buy chocolates, cookies or other calorie-laden treats for the person who is on a diet. Buy them a hamper full of irresistible fattening treats. (This is well practiced passive-aggressive behavior; it is often something family members or friends do "out of love" without even realizing they're subconsciously undermining another family member's or friend's attempts at losing weight. As such, be very thoughtful of the motivation behind your action as it could say more about your weight fears than about them.)
- Buy clothing in the wrong size, on purpose, for the person who constantly insists out loud that they're thinner than they truly are. If someone keeps telling you that they're not that large, that they have a slim build, and so on, and yet facts clearly point otherwise, buy them a lovely piece of clothing in a smaller size. It'll be clear that it won't fit them but when you give it to them, say, "Oh I thought this was so you, especially with your fine bone structure (or whatever)."
  - This works the other way too. For someone who is thin but who carries on about it too much or makes you feel frumpy, buy them larger sized clothing and then innocently comment, "Oh they don't fit, really? I could have sworn you look a size 12."

Give noisy and easily broken gifts to children whose parents are not on your good list. Think drums and tambourines for toddlers and poorly made toys that will break after the first play with them. Another variant on the toy is one that says the same thing over and over again but is irresistibly cute. That'll drive the parents nuts. And what kid doesn't love telling a joke? A thick book of knock-knock jokes will send a stressed parent around the bend in no time.
- Anything sticky, gluey, icky is great, especially if it threatens the soft furnishings.
- For teens, buy them the shortest time membership possible for an online games account or pay for the first three months of the most expensive plan on the shiny new cell phone you've just given them. When the time's up for renewal of membership or the plan, the parents won't hear the end of it. (This might backfire on you. It could be a reason the teenager decides to get a job or become the next great Silicon Valley entrepreneur.)

Buy a messy gift for a neat freak. The orderly world of the neat freak can really grate on the more lenient mess-maker and there are some gifts that can make life harder for neatness fanatics. For example, buy any ornament or decoration that involves lots of pieces. A wooden puzzle with balancing pieces, a bowl filled with glass pebbles, a container of utensils or stationery items that topples over easily, an indoor plant that drops its leaves readily, a decorative indoor water feature that splashes water, etc. are the sorts of gifts to upset the neat freak.

Show how jealous you are of the recipient's lifestyle with a totally useless gift. For the people in your life who have flown the coop and live in sunny Florida, California or Sydney, Australia, send them a really woolly sweater and ear muffs. For those do-gooders who constantly show you up and who have chosen to undertake courageous aid work where electricity is hard to come by and modesty is a must, send them a bikini or an iPod. For those who own a flashy and expensive car, send them leopard print car seat covers or a cardboard air freshener from the dollar store.

Wrap up a fruit cake. Yes, a whole fruit cake, just for the recipient. And the thicker the royal icing on it, the better.
- If you know they like fruit cake, choose a stale one.
- A variant of this is to give a gift which involves a food or drink the person detests, such as a gourmet coffee or tea pack when the recipient hates either drink, or a gourmet meat pack for a vegetarian, etc.

Get into the Christmas spirit. For the snob, the anti-materialist and anyone else who complains about the commercialism of Christmas, retaliate by buying them Christmas goodies. There are plenty of choices including clothing with Christmas designs like reindeer and Santa, tacky ornaments, novelty toys, figurines, CDs of Christmas carols and the like. Give them nothing but items that shriek all things Christmas.

Be outwardly polite and keep smiling. Deliver everything with a pleasant tone and a smile. Be eager to find out how much they love their gift from you and act excited. They won't know whether you mean it or not and they'll be publicly forced to just accept that you meant to be nice. In private, they're probably already roasting a voodoo of you but that's another tale. Merry Christmas!

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Feeling really peeved toward an in-law? Make a show of handing over a handcrafted book filled with family recipes. The only catch is that every single recipe has been doctored to provide a wrong measurement or a missing ingredient. This one will leave them nonplussed for years to come, and it'll seem like the height of incompetence to ask why their recipes aren't turning out.

Remove any opportunity for regifting by personalizing the gift through engraving, monogramming, writing, etc.

Amplify your passive-aggressiveness, by coordinating your gift with other disgruntled givers.

Buy anti-wrinkle cream and cellulite cream for the person in your life who keeps dressing and acting younger than their years by at least several decades. This one might backfire though if the creams are expensive and they appreciate you funding their skin maintenance regime!

Telling your recipient that you only wanted to be "helpful" is a high mark of passive-aggressive behavior. Be as helpful as you'd like!

Edit Warnings

Despite numerous suggestions about giving people puppies, birds, fish and other animals––don't. The well being and life of an animal is not yours to use in furtherance of your dislike or discontent with another human being. Animals should only ever be given as gifts to a recipient who is both aware of the gift and has accepted the responsibility for the animal's life long care.

If giving the gift at a party, be prepared to be called out by someone other than the gift recipient, as well. While you may feel the recipient has displayed behavior deserving of a passive aggressive gift, others may not see things the way you do. Even if others are aware of the person's actions towards you, they may wonder why you haven't confronted the person in private, and will likely view your public display of passive aggressiveness as rude, obnoxious, or immature - in other words, sinking to the recipient's level. If it's an office party, you may even lose the respect of some of your coworkers...or your boss.

Your act may be called out. Be prepared to defend yourself with total innocence and sincerity. Have your responses sorted out in advance; passive aggressive gifts are deliberate attempts to upset, unsettle or cause discomfort in another. In many cases, it's likely they'll do this but the recipient will be too polite (or perhaps even too clueless) to say anything. But occasionally your passive-aggressiveness will meet its match and a person will respond in kind, either saying something or gifting in kind.

Be careful and make sure the person doesn't just have bad taste. Assuming this person is truly trying to give bad gifts then still take into consideration there feelings, maybe they actually thought you would enjoy the 10 coupons to Burger King.