How to Rebuild Trust

Maybe your spouse cheated on you, your best friend stabbed you in the back, or your co-worker took credit for your idea. On the other hand, maybe you lied to your sweetheart, stole the guy or girl your friend had an eye on, or failed to help a co-worker or classmate on a crucial project. Losing trust is a two-way street, and so is rebuilding it. Both parties must want to work at rebuilding lost trust. Here's what you need to do from both angles.

EditSteps

EditRebuilding Trust after You Betrayed Someone

Forgive yourself. When you violate someone's trust, you may feel so regretful that you have a hard time forgiving yourself for the violation. While a repentant heart is an essential part of making up with the person you betrayed, you also need to accept an learn to forgive yourself after you put the effort into making amends.
- Remember that no one is perfect. Whether your error in judgment was minor or major, it goes to show that you are only human. Accept your failure as a part of the past and try to push forward into the future.
- By clinging to thoughts of past failure, you risk evaluating yourself as a worthless person. Once you begin to have such thoughts, you may feel less motivated to improve yourself, since you will write off your efforts as ultimately useless.
- Forgiving and trusting yourself is also vital if you plan on earning to forgiveness and trust of someone else.

Come clean.^[1] Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Denial will only make the other party's distrust run deeper, especially if the truth is already clear.
- Moreover, even if there are parts that you can keep hidden without getting caught, you should still reveal them to other person. Only in admitting all your faults can you be forgiven for all of them.
- Note that this will not make things easier immediately, though. On the contrary, you can expect an emotional outburst—yelling, crying, or the like—from the other person after they hear you admit your betrayal. Nonetheless, only in putting it all out into the open can you both move on.

Accept responsibility but explain your actions. Do not try to push the blame onto someone else, but at the same time, explain why you did what you did.
- Pushing the blame on someone else will tell the other person that you still do not fully understand the seriousness of your betrayal. A responsible person is capable of being trusted again, but an irresponsible person is doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again.
- Even so, everyone has reasons for doing what they do. For instance, if you are under the influence of an alcohol addiction and that addiction has caused you to make poor choices, confess that to the other person and admit that you need help.

Be completely open and transparent. For a little while, you may need to forfeit a portion of your privacy for the sake of the person trying to trust you again. By making your life transparent, the other person will be able to confirm with his or her own eyes that you are not in the midst of another betrayal.
- This is especially important in romantic relationships broken apart by infidelity. Give your significant other complete, uncensored access to your texts, phone logs, emails, and appointment book for a few weeks to months after your betrayal. Let him or her know where you are and who you are with whenever possible.

Apologize. This one should be obvious, but unfortunately, sometimes it gets overlooked. Even if you do not feel the need to apologize, you should offer the person you hurt a simple “I'm sorry for hurting you.”
- Look the person straight in the eyes as you say this to convey truthfulness.
- Be genuine. Fake apologies often sound fake. Only apologize when you are truly sorry and truly eager to rebuild the trust that was lost.

State your desire to rebuild trust. This is another seemingly obvious step that can sometimes be overlooked. Admit to the other person that you realize you broke his or her trust in you, and emphasize your desire to rebuild it.
- When you state this desire, do not put pressure on the other person. Trust is a two-way street, but you cannot control what the other person does, nor should you try to pressure that person into reacting the way you want. All you can do is vow to do your best from this point forward to make him or her want to trust you again.

Let the other person vent.^[2] Hard feelings exist after any betrayal. The person who feels betrayed will need to vent his or her emotions and thoughts in order to heal. It might be unpleasant for you, but it is essential for the other party involved.
- One of the worst things you can do is attempt to get him or her to “shut up” while expressing his or her anger. This action shows that you do not think seriously or considerately toward that other person.
- On the other hand, you need to let the other person vent at his or her own pace. Everyone goes about things in a different way and in a different time period. Rushing the other person shows the same lack of consideration as shutting that person up.

Keep your word going forward. Actions speak louder than words. If you cannot be honest in the future, or cannot do all that you promise to do, the person you betrayed will be unable to accept that you have changed or that you are worthy of being trusted again.
- Do not make the same mistake twice. Whatever act of betrayal you committed should be avoided like the plague.
- If you promise to meet with the other party involved or help that person with a project or chore, keep your promise no matter how minor it may seem. It may take a lot of little trustworthy acts to rebuild trust, but it will not take much to break it all down again.

Stay patient. Understand that rebuilding trust takes time. Be patient with the other person, but be persistent in your own efforts.
- Depending on the severity of your betrayal, building trust can take weeks, months, or years.
- Never pressure the other person into showing you more trust.
- Understand that things may never be quite the same after your betrayal, but if you show that you are a trustworthy person, some level of trust can usually be revived.

Show your affection and respect. Never becomes resentful of the other party for his or her lack of trust in you. You need to love that person in whatever way is appropriate for the relationship between you.
- Respect is part of love. Respect the person you hurt by showing more value and concern for that person's feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, and efforts.

EditRebuilding Trust after Someone Else Betrayed You

Assess the situation.^[3] Before you can rebuild trust in someone after he or she betrayed you, you should first ask yourself if the relationship is really important enough for you to salvage.
- Ask yourself:
  - “Is this the first time this person betrayed me?”
  - “Will I really be able to trust this person again, even if he/she does everything perfectly from now on?”
  - “Am I able to forgive?”
  - “Is the relationship I have with this person important enough to fight for?”
- Continue to assess the situation as you progress. After a few weeks to months, you should be able to notice signs of trustworthiness in the person who betrayed you. If no such signs exist, or if there are indications that he or she may be in the process of betraying you again, let the relationship go and move on.

Express your anger.^[4] Let the person who betrayed you know just how deeply you were hurt by his or her actions. Cry, scream, and yell as needed.
- More importantly, though, you need to tell your betrayer exactly what it was that hurt you and what you need him or her to do if you are to ever trust that person again.
- Once you let it out, let it go. After you have dragged the betrayal out in the open and your betrayer has admitted his or her failure, you need to let it stay in the past. Do not bring it up in future arguments, especially if the other person has demonstrated an effort to make amends for the action.

Adjust your expectations.^[5] No one is perfect. Humans are often weak, sinful, and flawed. Even if someone never wants to hurt you—or never wants to hurt you again—no one will be able to give you exactly what you need 100 percent of the time. Once you understand that you should not expect perfection, you can get a better idea of how much trust you actually can put in the other person.
- The goal here is to be realistic, though, not to let yourself get walked all over. Accept that everyone can slip up here and there, but do not ever let anyone get away with hurting you out of intention or intentional neglect on a frequent basis.

Discuss your needs. Tell the person who hurt you what you need from him or her in order to rebuild your trust.
- Be realistic. For instance, if a friend spread a secret behind your back, it would be unfair to demand that he or she cuts ties with all other friends. A better route would be to discuss ways for your friend to prove that he or she can be trusted with your secrets again. Your friend may need to give you more attention than before, but that does not require becoming socially isolated.

Give and receive love. You need to be willing to accept and love the person who betrayed you, and you also need to accept the love that person gives you in return.
- Ask yourself why you want to rebuild trust with your betrayer. If you are doing it out of love, you are on the right path. If you are doing it out of social obligation, rethink the relationship.
- When your betrayer tries to express affection, accept that the acts of affection are the real thing. Try not to doubt an action that seems honest.

Acknowledge your own faults and responsibilities. Understand that you, too, are imperfect and may have a role in your betrayer's actions. That does not excuse an act of betrayal, but by acknowledging your own shortcomings, you can work alongside the other person in order to strengthen your relationship as a whole.
- For instance, if you catch your spouse having an affair over the Internet or looking at porn, consider whether or not you have been neglecting his or her physical, sexual, spiritual, mental, or emotional needs.

Take the time you need. Do not rush yourself. After all, the only real way that you can rebuild trust in someone is by being honest with yourself about your own feelings. If you cannot be honest with yourself, you will not be able to believe that someone else can be honest with you, either.
- Additionally, if the other person is pressuring you to trust him or her when you still are not ready, he or she may not be truthful about wanting to do what it takes to rebuild that lost trust.

EditSpecific Situations

Rebuild trust after you cheated on your spouse. No matter what degree of infidelity you demonstrated, rebuilding trust after cheating on your wife or husband is one of the toughest challenges you might face.
- In order to start the process, you need to be completely honest with your spouse and take responsibility for what you've done. You also need to end things completely with the person you cheated with.
- Be patient and consistent. Rebuilding trust after an affair can take a long time.

Learn to trust a cheating spouse again. If you were the one who got cheated on by your husband or wife, there area few things you should think about on your end if you intend to rebuild trust in the relationship again.
- You need to analyze whether or not to trust your spouse again, but once you make the decision to trust, you need to work on letting the past stay in the past.

Learn to rebuild trust in your significant other after any betrayal. Affairs are not the only type of betrayal a couple may face. If you were lied to or hurt in another way, you will find yourself needing to learn how to trust your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend again.
- Part of trusting your significant other again is learning how to trust yourself and your life. Past that, you also need to learn how to forgive, be patient, and be grateful.

Find ways to rebuild your significant other's trust after any betrayal. As mentioned previously, affairs are not the only type of betrayal a couple faces. For instance, many may find themselves in a position where they must rebuild the trust of a girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, or husband after lying.
- You need to talk things through with your significant other, but you also need to show your willingness to mend your ways through your actions.

Earn your parents' trust back after breaking it. If you disobeyed your parents or did something to violate their trust in you, you might have to work at it before you can earn their trust back.
- Before anything else, you need to apologize and ask for forgiveness from your mom or dad.
- From then on, you need to show that you can be responsible by doing what you are expected to do and avoiding negative attention.

Teach yourself to trust your parents again. If circumstances have torn you apart from your parents, straining your relationship, you need to learn how to trust your parents again before you can convince them to trust you.
- Prepare yourself for the potential hardships that lie ahead, but be patient and persistent.
- Try to understand why you want to forgive your father or mother after a betrayal or hardship.

Make an effort to rebuild trust with an estranged child. If you are the parent in a parent-child relationship that has soured along the way, there are things you need to do to rebuild trust, as well.
- Apologize for your faults and try to make amends. Understand how to respect your differences within reason.

Rebuild the trust of an abused dog. Even though you were not responsible for the abuse your new dog may have suffered, the dog may still have trouble trusting humans in general.
- If you want to rebuild a dog's trust, you need to care for it properly and give the dog plenty of affection. Avoid actions that may cause the dog to fear you or be unhappy in your home.

Trust again after you and a friend had a falling out. When trust is broken between two friends, sometimes one or the other is responsible, and other times, both friends share equal amounts of blame. No matter what the situation, though, if you want to rebuild trust in a friendship, you need to take the initiative with your friend and apologize for anything you might have done wrong.
- In turn, you need to start an open, calm discussion in which you can each make your feelings clear without being hostile.