How to Deal With Disappointment

Disappointment is never fun, whether you're dealing with a relationship that hasn't worked out or if you've missed out on a major opportunity to advance your career. No matter what the disappointment, it's almost never as bad as it seems, and there are always more ways out than you may think. You can deal with disappointment and come out stronger on the other side. See Step 1 below for more details.

Edit Steps

Edit Adjusting Your Mindset

Let your feelings out. If you're dealing with a major disappointment, then it's natural that you feel upset or even inconsolable. Some doctors say that dealing with the fact that a major life goal is suddenly closed to you is not different from dealing with grief, so you may really feel that you are "in mourning," even if it's over the fact that your book deal didn't work out, or that your boyfriend broke up with you instead of proposing. It's perfectly natural to feel incredibly upset and pained, and what's important is that you acknowledge your pain in the beginning.
- Don't be ashamed to cry. There's no research that says too many tears are bad for you.
- If there's a person who has caused you harm, don't let him see you cry. Don't let the person get the satisfaction and deal with the feelings as privately as you can.

Get some perspective. You how everyone is telling you "it's not the end of the world?" Well, though those may be the most annoying words of well-meaning advice that you will ever hear, they are coming from the right place. Take a step back and ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? Half a year? One month? Chances are, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and whatever happened won't completely ruin your life. Sure, it can be a major setback, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for you.
- Talk to a rational friend about your situation -- preferably someone older who has had plenty of setbacks and can offer some more insight.

Be grateful. You may be thinking, Grateful??? How can I be grateful at a time like this? -- which is precisely why you should stop moping about whatever it is that went wrong and start thinking about all of the things that are "going right" in your life. Chances are you have a lot to be thankful for: a nice home, a great support network, a promising career, your health, or even your precious kitty, Dexter. You may be so focused on the things you don't have that you haven't had a moment to step back and feel blessed for the things that you do have.
- Make a list of all of the things you have to be thankful for. You'll see that there is a lot more good in your life than bad.
- Make a habit of thanking people more for all that they do for you. This will make gratitude a bigger part of your life.

Don't wallow for too long. It's great to let your feelings out and to acknowledge that you're feeling sad and disappointed. However, wallowing has a statue of limitations. If you spend weeks feeling sorry for yourself, feeling like a big loser, and being too busy curled up in a little ball crying, "Woe is me!" to get back up on that horse, then how are you supposed to ever get anything done? Give yourself a week to wallow, maybe two -- maybe a full month if you are really devastated. But tell yourself that the sooner you start thinking positively, the sooner you'll be able to make a plan for success.
- Just talk a long walk and get some sun. Sunlight is proven to make people happier -- and to reduce wallowing tendencies.
- Wallowing includes giving yourself some good old alone time. But after a little while, you should go out into the world and spend some time with your friends so you can recover.

Don't blame yourself. Okay, so maybe you messed up. But it's more likely that things just aren't fair at work, at home, in your town or your circle of friends. Even if you did have something to do with it, give up the regret and move forward. And if you don't have anything to do with it -- you're working your butt off and your boss still won't give you a raise -- then take a step back and see that it's the world that is a little unfair right now, but that you've done everything in your power to move ahead.
- Sure, it's easy to blame yourself because it makes you feel more in control of the situation. If you think, "If only I had done X differently, then Y..." then you feel like the universe has some order. However, it's more likely that there isn't much you could have done to alter the circumstances. You have to accept that before you can more forward.
- If you blame yourself, then your self-confidence won't be too high, will it? And if that's the case, then you won't be able to make a new plan.

Adjust your expectations. This doesn't mean that if you wanted to be an Oscar-winning actress that you should settle for being an extra. But it does mean that starring in that film with Brad Pitt may have to go on hold for a little while. Think of something more manageable that you can do that can still make you happy. This is different from lowering your standards -- it just means that you have to have a more realistic approach to what you can and can't achieve. And if you take a more realistic approach, then you'll be less likely to get disappointed in the future.
- Think baby steps. Instead of wanting all of the glory, think of the small happiness that you can achieve along the way.

Strain to see the silver lining. You may think that there's absolutely nothing positive in the situation, but that is rarely the case. So you broke up with the person who you thought was the love of your life. Were you really so perfect for each other? So you lost your job. Was it really the best fit for you anyway? One door may have closed, but maybe it opened a window or two, and the whole experience can lead to something even better for you.
- Trying to find the good in the situation will help you think positively. And if you want to move forward from your disappointment, then that's a must.

Edit Moving Forward

Take a break. Okay, so you got fired. You got dumped. You injured your leg. Does this mean you should look for a new job, join OkCupid, or start training for a marathon ASAP? Of course not. Give it a little bit of time until you feel calm enough to make a rational decision. Obviously, you should start looking for new work sooner than you should start training for a race with an injured leg, but you get the picture. If you try to solve the problem directly after the setback, you're likely to make a decision out of desperation and despair, not from a rational standpoint.
- Watch the entire first season of The Killing. Take a long walk every day for a week. Don't do anything that would make you wallow or be upset, but clear your mind, do something different, and start to heal.

Practice acceptance. This is another important part of dealing with disappointment. You can't keep thinking that the world is completely unfair, and that what happened to you was completely horrible. Okay, so maybe it was, but it happened, and there's nothing you can do to make it un-happen. It was in the past, and this is your present. And if you want to have a better future, then you have to accept the past for what it was, however unpleasant it may be.
- Obviously, you need to "practice" acceptance because it won't happen overnight. Let's say your husband cheated on you -- are you going to "accept" that overnight? Obviously not, but you can come to a place where thinking about it no longer leaves you feeling completely angry and bitter.

Spend time with close friends and family. Sure, hanging out with Mom or your best friend Mindy might not help you improve your career or find a new place to live, but it can make you feel better about the process. You'll see that you have so many great relationships in your life, and that you have an awesome support system that can help you through it all. Though you don't have to rehash the disappointment with everyone, just having them there will make you feel like you're not so alone with your pain.
- Don't force yourself into loud social outings if you're not feeling up to it; hang out with your friends and family in low-key settings.

Make a new plan. The old plan didn't work out for you, did it? That's perfectly okay. Ships have to change courses in the middle of the night all the time to avoid unforeseen obstacles, and so will you. Find a new way to get to that dream career, to find that perfect man, or to make your dream charity come to life. Maybe you've had a setback in your health and won't be able to walk for a few months. Work with a physical therapist to make a plan for success.
- Take a look at your life in a new way. How can you still follow your dreams, make yourself happy, but move things around?

Seek advice. Talk to people who know what they're doing. If you're a teacher who is struggling with your job, talk to the principal. If you're trying to make it as an artist, see if there are other artists in your city who will be willing to offer some insight. Call a family friend who knows something about having to relocate to an unpleasant location for a job. Talk to your mom about what it was like when she went through her divorce. Though every situation is different, getting advice from different people (provided that you trust them), will give you more direction and will make you see that plenty of other people are struggling, too.

Be open to new opportunities. So you may not become director of the writing program at your small college. But there's a new reading series that opened up and they want you to be in charge. Dash at the opportunity to do something new that can give you experience, help you work with a variety of people, and give you more confidence about achieving your goals. If you only want to do thing A, B, or C, then you'll be turning a blind eye when opportunity Z, the best opportunity of all, struts right by you.
- A new person can be a new opportunity, too. Don't close off and hang out with the same circle of friends; a new friend can bring new momentum and energy to your life.
- Maybe you've only looked for work as a high school teacher and just can't get a break. Why not try something different but related, like teaching community college? It can still be a great opportunity that will give you the experience you need.

Get inspired. The Nobel-Prize-winning author, Alice Munro, didn't publish a book until she was 37 (!!!), Steve Jobs was a college dropout, and Matthew McConaughey cleaned chicken coops before he became a star. Look at the lives of other people who dealt with major disappointments before coming out the other end with more guts and more appreciation for what they have. If success was served up on a silver platter, then it wouldn't be worth the struggle, would it?

Edit Dealing with Future Setbacks

Learn from your mistakes. So you've had a disappointment. Does that mean that all it did was set you back a few years and ruin your mood? Of course not. There's something that you can learn from any situation, whether it's that you should do your research more, not be so trusting, or not jump into something that you feel a little uncertain about. Though it's no fun to learn your lesson the hard way, think of all the positive things this knowledge can do for you in the future.
- If you never fall down, you'll never learn to get back up. It's all part of the learning experience.

Don't tell your friends about what "might" happen. Maybe you have a good opportunity in the works. You've been dating a guy for six weeks but have this feeling that he's "the one." An agent asked to see your novel manuscript and you have a feeling she might ask you to sign a contract. Your boss mentioned a new exciting position and you think you'll be picked for the job. Well, you can share your feelings with a close friend or two, but if you tell your twenty best friends or acquaintances about what might happen, then you will be more upset when it doesn't happen and you have to give everyone the bad news.
- In the future, be cautiously optimistic but private, and share your joy and success after it happens.

Keep hope alive. Staying hopeful is the key to a happy and fulfilling life, no matter how disappointed you may be. Stay optimistic, keep things positive, and always have something to look forward to in your life, no matter how small it may be. If you're hopeful about the future and all of the good it can bring, then you will be much more likely to succeed. Hopeful people make meaningful connections and go for unlikely opportunities that more "realistic" people would scoff at. Keep your head up and only good things can happen to you.
- Hanging out with people who are hopeful and optimistic is a great way to keep up your own sense of hope. If everyone around you is bringing you down, then how can you have hope?

Know your worth. Remember that you're a valuable person who can bring a lot to the table, whether it's because you're a superb mother, a talented animator, or an incredible listener who is invaluable to your friends. Maybe you're also a great writer, a keen observer, and a computer whizz. Remind yourself of all of your good qualities and keep giving the world what you have, because the world needs it -- even if it may not feel that way after a set back.
- Make a list of the five best things about yourself. How can you use these traits to your advantage?
- If you think you're worth nothing, then prospective employers, significant others, friends, etc, will think so too.

Make time for fun. What does fun have to do with making a new plan, achieving your goals, and avoiding future disappointments? Nothing and everything. If you're so focused on achieving your goals and overcoming your setbacks, then you will never be able to stop, breathe, and relax. Having fun is just as important as sending out your resume to twenty companies because it allows you to get grounded, sit back and appreciate what you have, and take down your stress levels a few notches.
- Believe it or not, you can have fun and work your butt off to counteract your disappointment. It'll make it easier for you to do so, in fact.

Edit Tips

Try each day to remind yourself that better things await and you shouldn't give up.

Sometimes you are disappointed by something that you really want/need. The best thing to do is think of other avenues and really explore what's next, instead of focusing too much time on the sadness.

Open up to people. Talking is a really effective way of offloading all that emotional baggage that can really stress you out.

Follow through with the steps religiously if you want to offload yourself of the stress this experience is taking on you.

If you are alone, throw a temper tantrum. This way, you can let out your anger and feel much better. Remember not to do this when around others or they might not want to be around you.