How to Accept an Apology

Sincerely forgiving someone who's hurt you can be as difficult as enduring the pain caused by their actions in the first place. Learning how to graciously accept an apology without rolling over for the person apologizing is a valuable life skill. A well-handled apology can be a healing experience, and anyone can learn how to handle apologies with maturity and discretion.

Edit Steps

Edit Part One: Working Through an Apology

Make sure you can take the leap of faith to the mindset that the person won't make the same mistake again. Do you care about them enough to continue a relationship with them? If you're uncertain, it's much better to let them know calmly but firmly rather than trying to listen to them anyway. If you proceed before you're ready, you may become frustrated or sad and run the risk of exacerbating the situation. Give yourself time to prepare for discussing what happened, if you need to:
- - "I'm not quite ready to talk about this yet."
  - "I'm still trying to piece this situation together."

Forgive the person in your heart first. Saying "It's okay" to the person and then stewing about what they did wrong for years is destructive to your relationship and unfair to him or her. It will also, with near-certainty, lead to more fights in the future. Instead, think carefully about the what the person's apology is likely to sound like. Ask yourself whether you'll be able to look this person in the eye while they're apologizing. If the mere thought of their apology makes you angry or sad, you might need more time.
- Before committing to forgiveness, be sure you trust him or her enough to believe any claims that it won't happen again.

Listen calmly to the person's apology. Let them complete their apology before responding with your own thoughts. Pay attention to what they say - their apology might reveal that they see the situation that led to your being hurt differently than you do. Pay special attention to why they say they're sorry - it will give you insight as to their personal character.
- You don't need to give them the silent treatment, but if you're hurting, it's perfectly acceptable to speak in curt, succinct sentences until they begin apologizing.
- Don't interrupt while they're apologizing unless they say something especially thoughtless. If they're being sincere in their apology, they deserve, at the very least, to be listened to.
- Make sure they explain what the apology is for. An apology for being late to dinner when the real crime was sneaking into the neighbor's house for a rendezvous shows that the person does not grasp what was wrong and is likely to repeat the same thing. If the apology fits the crime, you can accept it.

Decide whether the apology is sincere. Did it seem to come from the heart, or did s/he seem to be "going through the motions?" Adults can be surprisingly childish - if their apology reminded you of a schoolyard bully who puts on a show of apologizing for the teachers but who fully intends to start stealing balls again as soon as their backs are turned, you might be disinclined to believe them. Did they seem to understand why you were hurt by their actions? Do they seem capable of fixing their mistakes in the future?
- This step will depend on your personal knowledge of this person. The better you know them, the better you'll be able to judge their sincerity.

Tell the person what you're thinking. After they've finished apologizing, acknowledge and accept their apology, then make your own emotions clear. It's acceptable to express lingering feelings of regret or even anger, provided you're able keep your emotions in check. Stay as calm as possible while expressing yourself. Don't hurl insults at the person who's apologizing to you. No matter how frustrated you are with them, realize that they're attempting to fix the problem by sincerely apologizing. At worst, poor conduct when accepting an apology can re-ignite the feelings that made the apology necessary in the first place.

Tell the person that you forgive them. This will be cathartic for both of you. You will be able to give up some of your resentment and begin healing your wound. He or she will be able to begin letting go of the guilt they feel for hurting you. Trust that the incident will never reoccur. Try to put it out of your mind completely and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship.
- Should the person make the same mistake again, you might not consider accepting a subsequent apology — until then, try to wipe the slate clean. Don't assume they'll hurt you again until they give you reason to think otherwise.

Know when you can't accept an apology. If this person has repeatedly wronged you and shows no sign of change, you don't need to accept yet another of their apologies. Don't be cruel - just tell the person that you can't accept their apology in good conscience until they show some sign of genuine repentance. Leave the person an opportunity to win your trust back and receive your eventual forgiveness - give them conditions to fulfill before you'll accept their apology.
- For someone who's repeatedly lied to you about a gambling problem, for instance, you may choose not to accept an apology until s/he can provide evidence that they've deleted their profiles on gambling websites.

Edit Part Two: Repairing Your Relationship

Re-assess your relationship. Now that you've maturely accepted this person's apology, ask yourself a very tough question: "Do I want to maintain this relationship as it was before I was hurt?" Relationships can change after even a truly repentant apology. An "adjustment period" following a major apology can be a healthy to ease back into normalcy. Over time, your relationship may revert to the way it was.
- You may want to institute new rules or boundaries for the relationship, especially if the apology was for a violation of trust. If your relationship with this person is a romantic one, the parameters of your relationship may change temporarily or permanently after a major apology (see: How to Break Up).
- If you've been wronged in a major way or your trust has been drastically breached, your relationship with this person may never be the same again. It's a simple fact - once you know that someone's capable of hurting you tremendously, you might not think of them like you used to. Accept this and move on - if you can still eke out a diminished relationship with this person, you're still better off than you were before they apologized.

Make an apology of your own (but only if it makes sense to do so.) If you haven't done anything wrong, you shouldn't feel any need to make even a small apology to this person. However, if you made a minor error which contributed to the situation that caused them to hurt you, it can ease tension if you tell the person you're also sorry in a simple, succinct way. Don't gush - they're primarily at fault, not you. Use common sense and don't ever feel an obligation to admit to any wrongdoing if you haven't committed any.

Give yourselves some space. If someone's sincerely apologized to you and you've sincerely forgiven them, your relationship should, at the very least, be better than it was before the apology. This doesn't mean things will instantly be back to the way they were before. It initially may be awkward to spend time around someone following an apology. If it initially feels "weird" to hang out with this person, don't - surround yourself with other people. Time can cool emotions for both of you, making it easier to return to reclaim the relationship you used to have.

When ready, enjoy a social outing together. If you're in a romantic relationship with this person, go on a fun, casual date. If you're just friends, do something low-key that you both enjoy. Go to a party, go bowling, share a few drinks, or just hang out and play video games - do something you used to do before your fight. Don't talk about the apology or what they initially did to you - a good apology should have given you some closure.
- The presence of mutual friends can do wonders to smooth any lingering tensions. If you're worried, bring funny, fun-loving people along with you!

Make sure it doesn't happen again. Hold this person accountable for their apology - if they repeat their problem behavior, withdraw your forgiveness. If you're friends, cease contact. If you're in a relationship, consider putting your relationship on hold while this person works through their problems. Remember never to let anyone take advantage of your kindness - your forgiveness is dependent on this person's willingness to change.
- Don't be afraid to (calmly and politely) express your unwillingness to forgive someone a second time. Be as explicit as possible - if the person doesn't understand exactly how they've shown an unwillingness to change, they're more likely to internally rationalize their behavior.