How to Discuss Options when a Friend Comes Out

Your friend has just told you that he or she is gay. You care deeply for your friend, and you want the best for her. How do you best broach sensitive subjects and explore all the alternatives without destroying your friendship? It's a delicate balance, but this may help.

Note: This guide will arbitrarily refer to your friend as a female.

Edit Steps

State your reaction calmly and respectfully. Let's say you disagree with what you perceive as a gay lifestyle ("perceive", because most gays do not consider this a lifestyle choice; in fact, they don't consider it a choice at all) - starting a yelling match and putting her on the defensive is not going to be productive. Instead, state your response to her coming out simply and honestly, without hostility - for example:

"Okay, I don't argue that you may have some attractions to other women, but you must know I would have a problem with the 'lifestyle'. Can we discuss the reasons for my problems?"

Be direct without being hostile. Taking a hostile, superior position of opposition will not persuade her to reconsider her orientation, even if such persuasion was possible (and many do not believe it is). Warning her that she will "surely burn in hell" will not help to make your point. She has probably struggled with how to tell you, knowing you will be opposed and dreading your reaction. If you simply offer your honest opinion and advice, it will be received in the spirit given - for example, you might say: "Obviously, I have religious objections to this 'lifestyle'. Have you considered all of those issues?" At least with such direct questions, it's possible to attain clarity, even if she does not take your advice.

Respect one another. She probably struggled long and hard before coming to the realization of her sexuality, but if you truly believe she needs to hear your objections, just know that she has probably heard it all before. Up until the moment she came out to you, you thought the world of her, believed she was bright, funny, and together. Remember that she is still the same person that she has always been, and is still the same friend - do have respect for the fact that she has probably discussed, wrestled with, and analyzed her life in the light of the familiar objections that you may bring up, and if she decides that she does not want to hear it (again, most likely), respect her wishes and keep your opinion to yourself from then on. Remind her that your point of view should be respected as well - as you are respectful of her, your friend should be respectful of your opinion, and not laugh, deride or ridicule your presentation of your side of this topic.

Decide whether you will continue the friendship privately, then inform. It may be that you and your friend will have to agree to disagree. While you may desperately want to convince her that this lifestyle is "wrong", please bear in mind that is your opinion - there is a great deal of controversy over this, even amongst theologians and other religious persons. You will need to decide whether you can accept her orientation at all; if you feel you won't be able to refrain from proselytizing against it, then you may be better off simply informing her that you are not comfortable with the 'lifestyle' and won't be able to participate as her friend any longer.

Don't beat a dead horse. Let's assume you want to remain friends, even if she doesn't take your advice to leave the lifestyle. If she has allowed you to present your case for leaving the so-called "gay lifestyle", and has rejected your advice to do so, let it go. You have done your part by presenting your opinion and the documentation backing up your reasons for disagreeing. She will have to be responsible for her life in the end - not you - and therefore you will need to respect it and let the subject drop there. Don't keep harping at her, or it will end your friendship.

End the friendship if you must. Remember that this is your friend's life, not yours. If you have expressed your beliefs, feelings, reservations and concerns to no avail, and you find that despite your best efforts, have a serious issue with having a gay person in your life, then end the friendship. You are not likely to change her - while you may believe it is a decision while she believes she had no choice, the reality is, choice or no, it is up to her, not you. An ultimatum will go nowhere, so trying something like, "Look, this is your last chance. If you can't change, we can't be friends." There is no point in arguing, fighting, pushing, pressuring, or proseletyzing. If you can't stop yourself from doing this, then end the torture - just withdraw. Say, "I do care deeply about you, but I've made my position on this very clear to you. If there is no way I can influence you away from this life, then I have to walk away. I will keep good thoughts (or prayers, whatever you wish) for you and hope the best for you."

Edit Tips

Bear in mind that most gay people believe that there is a genetic component to sexual orientation, while some believe that one's sexual orientation emerges for most people in early adolescence. We can choose whether to act on our feelings - but most actual lesbian, transgender, gay and bisexual people do not consider that one's actual sexuality is ever a choice. Some psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed; persons can choose whether or not to express their sexual orientation as an act of their own will. Taking all of this into consideration, it's very doubtful that one's orientation would ever change just because his or her friend told them to do so, so don't take it personally if your encouragement not to act on the orientation does not result in an oath of celibacy or your friend deciding to attempt a straight life.

Being respectful and treating your friend as an adult certainly will go a long way toward her being receptive to your message.

Present your message in a straightforward and non-critical manner for best results.

Edit Warnings

Most gay people will have spent long hours considering the impact of coming out to friends and relatives, sometimes agonizing over the decision to come out to them. The reason for the agony is the understanding that some friends and/or relatives will disagree for any number of reasons, and cut off contact with or react negatively to her in the future. If all of the pain and dread, however, have not stopped the gay person from disclosing her orientation, it's doubtful that you registering your discomforts or encouraging her not to act on it will have any effect. Be prepared for the fact that your friend will very likely have already heard and considered every objection you will raise, and it will not change anything for her. This may be very frustrating for you, and it may be that you will have to make decisions accordingly.