How to Decide on a Partner Type

For an intimate or close relationship to be healthy, aim to connect with somebody who not only understands you but is suited to your true temperament. Deciding on your partner type requires knowing yourself first. Once you know that, you can apply your understanding to identifying the main temperament traits of the other person.

Edit Steps

Edit Part 1: Matching Your Traits to a Suitable Partner

Know yourself. Who are you? Are you confident, shy, bold, careful, smart, getting smarter, involved, inactive, sensitive, tough, etc.? This step can be somewhat of a journey into self discovery as a key element in loving anybody else is the ability to love yourself too. Write down a list of your traits and attributes as you perceive them. Don't rush it, you can come back to the list over several days if needed.
- Lists of personality traits, personal attributes, etc. can be found in psychology texts and many career choice books. Reading through such lists will help to jog your mind––see which traits you strongly identify with. Do be careful to avoid choosing traits you "wish" you had, as clearly, those are not who you are for real.

Use your personal trait list to uncover your ideal partner. Once you have identified the traits, you'll have a good guide as to what kind of person is appropriate for you. At its most basic, for example, if you are:
- Talkative, then you may go well with a reserved person who likes to listen more than talking.
- An introvert, you can be very attracted and very suited to a certain kind of extrovert and vice-versa.
- Career driven, then you may love a homebody who wants to be an organizer, cook, "homemaker", and you will bring home the bread.
- Artist or musician, then you may love a person who appreciates and supports talented, whimsical, different kinds of "ambitions" and may become your biggest fan.

Match your temperament and personality type following the Keirsey model. The Keirsey Personality (Temperament) Sorter ("The Keirsey Temperament Sorter®-II (KTS®-II)") is a popular online test that you can take (it's free). According to this test, you'll be able to tell what temperament is your better match (such as the opposite of your personality type). The Keirsey model sorts people into four basic temperament groups, namely Artisans™, Guardians™, Rationals™ and Idealists™. There are further subdivisions that allow you to discern character types, four types in each.^[1]
- In the personality types there are 16 sets of 4-letter labels (take care not to mix up their order). Each of the 16 possible ordered combinations has an opposite (call it a complement or supplement) out of the other 15, and then the other 14 character types differ only slightly.
  - Let's compare two of the complete opposites, such as, for example two opposites: "ENFJ" complements/or supplements "ISTP" in all four positions, all based on:
    
    (1st) E - Extrovert complements I - Introvert;
    
    (2nd) N - iNtuitive complements S - Sensing;
    
    (3rd) F - Feeling complements T - Thinking;
    
    (4th) J - Judging complements P - Perceiving.
- Each opposite trait may complete, complement/supplement, or supply similar things or differing ones. To what extent the traits do this will depend on the other 3 trait types and their 16 various combinations. You can be the same or just somewhat opposite or diametrically different in 1, 2, 3 or all 4 trait categories. But, you may even be almost equal in the intensity of all 4 traits, differing trait by trait, by only a point or two, or very strongly differing by as many points as possible. Or, you might be evenly balanced, as much introverted as you are extroverted, i.e.: capable of balance, well rounded, or on the worse side, vacillating, moody, or lacking in decisiveness. Whether you're equal, differing or evenly balanced all depends on the expression and intensity of each of the other three traits.
- There are 8 differing types of extroverts and 8 types of introverts. Learn more about the meaning of each by taking the sorter/test, then reading your possible temperament shadings, differing character types, your fit to various career types, dating and marriage partner types, etc. You might like to get a book that explains it. The Keirsey books are: Please Understand Me II (2nd edition). Note that the first edition Please Understand Me was somewhat different in how the traits and temperaments were distinguished and portrayed, so if you grab a secondhand copy, it won't be as up-to-date or reflective of more recent knowledge.
- The Keirsey model isn't the only test you can take. There are other types available too; for example, see two more similar self-tests in the Tips section.

Think about your own and the other person's feelings, desires and the kind of opposite that attracts you. Real differences can supplement or complement one another greatly; try to avoid assuming you must "click" perfectly on everything. Think about things you enjoy doing (possibly begin a quick list). What makes you happy, especially during your real time when not under the pressure of formality (such as at work or in class)? The things that motivate you and bring you happiness naturally are a natural expression and should help to guide you in finding a person with similar motivations.
- Also note what you dislike, or even hate. This will help you to steer clear of such possibilities, and let you sidestep a person who has many unwanted traits.

Take your time in attracting the right person. You'll be attracted to opposites naturally, whether it's a weak, medium or strong attraction. But deciding upon the kind of opposite that suits you best requires keen observation and careful choosing.
- Opposites may have many interests in common, or not so much, or maybe even none! You may, for instance, prefer to travel while the other prefers to stay at home. This doesn't mean that this person is a poor match; it may indeed work well.
- Some traits can be generational- or age-related. For example, differences in entertainment likes/dislikes can be influenced by your era and the era of the other person. The experiences of each of you makes for great similarities or differences. It's helpful to remain aware of this, especially if there is a large age gap.

Edit Part 2: Making the Connection

Know why you are looking for a partner. Think of reasons why you are looking for a partner, including whether this is the right time for you to be making an intimate connection in your life. Be aware that during your search, other influences can at times override your own wants, such as parents or siblings being pushy, friends seeking to match-make or societal pressures about "doing the right thing". Try to stay alert to this, as the decision you make must be influenced by your self understanding rather than submerging your needs and wants in favor of expectations. Before starting a relationship, be sure it is being done on an equal footing that allows for full expression of who you are and isn't about caving in to expectations from other people. At the end of the day, it is you that will be in the relationship with another person and not any other people.
- For example, well-meaning parents or friends, who are particularly insistent on rushing you into a relationship they feel bodes well for you could potentially deter you from thinking clearly. In the effort to please them, you risk losing sight of what benefits you; remember, you are not your parents, your friends or any other person. Be sure to only pursue such a relationship when you feel that you are ready or open to this new possibility.

Be prepared. If you have come across a nice person who seems to match much of your ideal, don't wait too long to explain your first impression and good feelings, in moderation. Take action directly by asking for their name phone number, for a date, etc. (if it is practical). Or, if it's more practical, do so indirectly, by nonverbal communication, such as sending a greeting card, bouquet, etc. Be prepared to try again, nicely, without coming across as too intrusive or pushy.
- Plan a compliment. Give a sincere, quick and simple compliment. Explain in a few words, to show that you are sincere. Beware though––if you have no good reason for such a compliment, then it is pointless to make it at all, as it may be flattery or worse, a lie. (It's good and precious to say, "You're beautiful, to me!", and mean it: because beauty is so much more than merely skin deep or bone structure. Then never take that kind of truth back... or it becomes a lie and makes you insincere.)

Be patient and understanding. Building a sound and lasting relationship is not the easiest challenge to work on. On occasion, compromises are needed on each side, in order for a relationship to grow and remain strong. The positive thing is that even if a relationship doesn't work out, you can always grow from your experiences of it, over time.

Forgive mistakes and learn from each other's missteps. Forgiving is better than trying to win a love-match by all means and losing your personal attractiveness. (Be wise and don't insist on winning "all the time".) Don't even try to seek an apology for little slip ups, or you will seem lacking in confidence or overbearing. Let an apology be real and spontaneous, rather than expecting or demanding it.

Be authentic. Be honest about your likes and ways to attract your real match, not faking-out everyone with a false-front that will soon fail you both. In the long run, pretending doesn't work and the truths will appear.
- Be kind, persistent, determined, generous, loving and lovable, serious and fun, as befits you.

Realize that many of the good people are already in a relationship. Nevertheless, many people are still searching too. Each is a good reason to be patient. If only 5 percent of your age group matches you and 90 percent of those are matched up right now, that leaves just 10 percent of 5 percent (just 1/10 of 5%). If so, that means half a percent of the right sort of people are available! Keep being available, always seeking. You will find your right match with determination and a willingness to remain open.

Edit Tips

Don't be afraid to commit to a good relationship. It can be daunting, but every relationship helps you learn more about yourself to sculpt yourself into the real person you can be in order to meet your perfect partner.

Try talking to others and find out past experiences they had when dating. Sometimes, these conversations can give you more of an insight of various types of people and how they act in relationships.

A relationship should also be an avenue for two people to grow as individuals together. If this isn't the case then maybe you are not with your complimentary type.

See which famous personalities share your type. Compare the Keirsey test to the Myer-Briggs/Jungian personality types using the following free popular test versions found online. One is skeletus.com^[2] and another free test of that type is at HumanMetrics.com^[3].

Edit Warnings

People do not always show their true selves when they first meet you. Take some time to get to know a person before you invest all of your trust into anybody.

Avoid ideas such as only liking a person with a certain hair style, length or color. Such trivial traits can change in a few minutes! It is shocking to hear a seeming intelligent person put emphasis on such unrealistic images. Look far beyond such visual matters, to the person's spirit, ways and depth, to see what matters more.