How to Console an Upset Friend

Consoling an upset friend can be tricky. When you're trying to offer comfort, you may feel like you're constantly putting your foot in your mouth and making things worse. So, how do you console an upset friend, and actually make them feel better? Just follow these steps.

Edit Steps

Part One: Being Sympathetic

Give your friend some affection. 99% of the time your friend would love a hug, an arm around his or her shoulder, or a gentle pat on the hand. Most people like affection, and it makes them feel comforted and not alone. If your friend is so upset they they refuse to be touched, then that's a special case, but you can almost always start by giving your friend some affection. Your friend may be too upset to start talking right away, and these little gestures can go a long way in making your friend feel less alone.
- Feel it out. If you touch your friend, and he or she moves closer to you instead of wriggling away, then you're doing the right thing.

Just listen. The next thing you can do is offer your friend a kind ear. Make eye contact, nod occasionally, and make comments when necessary while your friend is talking, but mostly, let your friend express him or herself and get everything off of his chest. This isn't the time to give your opinion or to talk a lot. It's time to let your friend explain everything that has been troubling them so you can get a better sense of the situation. Some problems can't be solved, but they can feel less tragic if someone is around to listen to the predicament.
- If your friend isn't saying much, you can say, "Do you want to talk?" Then you have to read the situation. Either your friend wants to talk about it and needs a little prodding, or he or she is just so upset that they aren't ready to talk yet, and all you have to do is be there.
- You can make little comments like, "That must be so hard" or "I can't imagine what you're going through..." but don't overdo it.

Make your friend more comfortable. Maybe your friend is shivering in the rain. Get her inside and give her a blanket. Maybe she's been crying for an hour straight. Get her some tissues and some Advil. Maybe your friend is standing up telling you how upset he is while carrying a heavy backpack. Get him to sit down. If your friend is a little riled up, get him or her some chamomile tea. If your friend stayed up all night worrying, put him in bed. You get the idea.
- Your friend may be so upset that he or she isn't looking out for his or her health or comfort. That's where you come in.
- Do not think that your friend will feel better if you open a bottle of wine or bring over a six pack. Alcohol is NEVER the solution if a friend is upset. Remember, it's a depressant.

Don't minimize your friend's problems. Your friend can be upset for a variety of reasons. A serious reason: your friend just found out that his grandmother is in the hospital. A not-so-serious reason: your friend has just broken up with her boyfriend of six weeks. Still, even if you know that, objectively, your friend will get over it pretty soon and it's not that big of a deal, this is not the time to put things in perspective, unless you want to get booted by your friend.
- At first, you should take your friend's problems seriously. If your friend mopes about a short-term break-up for way too long, then you can deal with that later.
- Avoid saying comments like, "It's not the end of the world," "You'll get over it," or "It's really not that big of a deal." Obviously your friend is upset, so it is a big deal to him or her.

Don't offer unsolicited advice. This is another thing to avoid at all costs. Unless your friend turns to you and says, "What do you think I should do?" you should not jump in and tell your friend the five best courses of action, in your humble opinion. This will come off as condescending, and like you think your friend's problems can be solved so easily. Unless your friend is looking up at you with doe eyes, saying, "I don't know what to do..." give it time before you offer any advice.
- You can say simple things like, "You should get some rest," or "Drink some camomile tea and you'll feel better" just to offer your friend some minor comfort, but don't say things like, "I think you should call Bill right now and sort things out," or "I think you should apply to grad school right away" or your friend will be just overwhelmed and annoyed.

Don't say that you "get" it. This is another way to quickly annoy your friend. Unless you had once found yourself in an identical situation, you shouldn't say, "I know exactly how you feel..." because your friend will want to scream, "It's not the same!" People who are upset want to be heard, but not told that their problems are exactly like someone else's. Okay, if the friend is upset because of a serious break-up and you happened to go through one of those puppies too, you can talk about it, but don't compare your three-month relationship to your friend's three-year relationship or you'll only do damage.
- Saying, "I can't imagine how you feel" is better than "I know exactly what you're going through..."
- Sure, it can be comforting for your friend to know that someone else had been through the same situation and survived, but if this is the case, you have to phrase it delicately.
- Comparing yourself to your friend is problematic because you may end up rambling on about yourself without even realizing what you're doing.

Know when your friend wants to be left alone. Not everyone who is upset wants affection or a kind ear, unfortunately. Some people deal better with things alone, and some people may want to be left alone after talking a problem through. If this is the case with your friend, don't stick around if you're not wanted; if your friend says he or she needs some alone time, chances are he or she means it.
- If you think your friend is danger of harming him or herself, then you should stick around or get help, but if your friend is just generally upset but not completely devastated, then it may be time to back away.

Ask how you can help. Once you and your friend have talked it through, ask your friend what you can do to make the situation better. Maybe there's a concrete solution and you can help fix it, like if your friend failed her math class and you happen to be a whiz at numbers and can tutor her. Sometimes, there is no good solution, but you can do things like give your friend a ride or spend more time with your friend if she's going through a rough break-up, or let your friend crash at your place for a little while.
- Even if there's nothing you can really do but be there, just asking what you can do can make your friend feel less alone and like someone is there for him or her.
- If your friend thinks that you're doing so much for him or her and feels bad about it, remind that friend of a time when he or she was there for you when you really needed it. That's what friends are for, isn't it?

Part Two: Going the Extra Mile

Make your friend laugh if the problem isn't too serious. If your friend isn't suffering from a major loss, then you can cheer him or her up by making a small joke or acting like a goofball. If you try to make your friend laugh too soon, it probably won't go over well, but if you give it some time and start trying to cheer your friend up through laughter, it may pay off. Laughter really is the best medicine, and if you can make a joke about the situation that isn't offensive, or just poke fun at yourself to distract your friend, it may offer some temporary relief.
- Obviously, if your friend is absolutely devastated, then humor is not your best bet.

Distract your friend. Another thing you can do while your friend is upset is try to keep them as busy as possible. Though you shouldn't drag your friend out to the clubs or invite her out to a huge party where everyone is dressed up as his favorite superhero, you should come over to your friend's house with a movie and a big 'ol tub of popcorn or invite your friend out for a walk. Keeping your friend busy can take some of the pain away, even if your friend is resisting at first. You shouldn't pressure your friend to hang out too much, but know that your friend will need a little prodding.
- Your friend may say something like, "I don't want to hang out because I'm just going to be a major downer..." and you can say, "That's ridiculous! I love hanging out with you no matter what."
- Your friend may be hanging out in his cave-like bedroom. Just getting him or her out of the house and into some fresh air, even if you're only walking to the coffee shop down the street, will do him good physically and mentally.

Do some favors for your friend. If your friend is really upset, then it's likely that he or she is neglecting his basic duties and chores. That's where you come in. If your friend is forgetting to eat, bring over some lunch or come over and cook dinner. If your friend hasn't done laundry in two months, bring over some detergent. If your friend's house is an absolute mess, offer to come over to do some spring cleaning. Pick up your friend's mail. If he or she is staying home from school, pick up his homework assignments. These little favors may not seem like that big of a deal when your friend is incredibly upset, but they do add up.
- Your friend may say that he or she doesn't want your help and that you've done enough, but you should insist that you want to help, at least at first.

Check in on your friend. Unless you and your friend have identical schedules, it's inevitable that you will be spending some time apart. But if you know your friend is really upset, then you can't just go off the radar completely. You should call your friend, text him or her, or drop by to see how your friend is doing from time to time. Though you don't want to annoy your friend and text him, "Are you okay??" every three seconds, you should check in at least once or twice a day if you know your friend is going through something really hard.
- You don't have to say, "I'm just calling to see how you're doing." You can be more slick, if you want, and make up an excuse to call, like asking if your friend has seen your brown coat, and then end up asking your friend to lunch. You don't want your friend to feel like you're babysitting him or her.

Just be there. Often, this is the most important thing you can do when you're trying to console your friend. You can rarely solve a friend's problems for him or her or even find the best solution; sometimes, your friend has to wait it out or figure it out on his or her own. But what you can do most of the time is be a shoulder for your friend to cry on, a comforting voice to listen to in the middle of the night if your friend really needs to talk, and a source of kindness, reason, and comfort. Don't feel inadequate if you can't do more than just be there for your friend.
- Tell your friend that, no matter what the problem is, it will most likely get better in time. This is a reality, even if it may not feel that way, at first.
- Make an effort to clear up your schedule and to devote more time to being there for your friend. He or she will be very grateful for the effort you have made to make him or her feel better.

Edit Tips

If they don't want to talk at first, don't keep calling and bothering them! Let him/her have some time alone before you speak to him/her about it! She or he will eventually come to you when they are ready to talk and make things better.

Offer to help your friend if they are being bullied. If you go to school with them and you see them being bullied, grab their hand and give them a big hug. Protect them. Tell them to come with you. Even if you are the only friend they have, always protect them, since nobody else will.

Take them out for a meal, or to a theme park! Do anything to get their mind off what happened, and distract them!

Give your friend a hug and tell them you love them and that you are always there for them.

Know the difference between your friend being upset or just wanting attention. If they act upset all day around you, and then refuse to tell you what's wrong, then they are just being attention seekers. If they were really upset, they wouldn't make a big show of it, and they would eventually tell someone what the problem is.

Edit Warnings

If the problem involves you, do the right thing and apologize! No matter what happened, or who said what, or who did what, is it worth breaking friendship over? And if they don't accept it... realize that what you have done has hurt or offended them. Give them time and space to get over it, and they might come around and call you!

Do not force them to tell you what is wrong if they look like they're in a bad mood, or if they don't want to say anything!

Say something kind, like "I love you no matter what you look like or do and no matter who you are."

Never make it about yourself. If your friend tells you they are sick of the school bully picking on them don't say "That's not as bad as the time last year when...(and then proceed to tell a story about yourself)". Offer to solve their problem. They opened up to you, so show some compassion!