Is your mother dead against that new man or woman in your life? It can be very difficult to marry somebody against parental wishes, but sometimes you have to make the tough decisions of your life on your own. You are an adult now, and it's time mom realized that this point is non-negotiable; it can be a rite of passage, more than anything else you've ever before experienced.
Edit Steps
Part 1: Reassuring Your Mom
- Tell your mom that you really love this person and that nothing she thinks will ever change these feelings. This lets her know that you have made a decision, no matter what she thinks. Remind her that this is about the person you intend spending the rest of your life with.
- Tell your mom that you really love her (your mom). She needs reassurance that your choice of life-mate is not a personal rejection of her. She has stated her case, and you disagree. But you haven't stopped loving your mom for herself. Sure, her ideas about your love life are jarring but that doesn't lessen the love you hold for her (at least, it shouldn't do!).
Part 2: Staying Calm
- Keep calm. Don't make a scene for any reason; this just gives your mom a reason to come back at you and turn it into something ugly. Often, your mom may make a case for the idea that you're immature, and not thinking things through enough. Blowing up at her will only prove her point. Instead, stay calmly resolved and just keep telling your mom that this is how things are going to be, and when she is ready to accept it, you will be fully happy. Making it an issue of your personal happiness will help her to stop and think about what is really at stake here - your life, not hers.
- Tell your mom that you're an adult now and that she raised you well to think for yourself and that that is what you're doing now.
Part 3: Seeing It From Mom's Perspective
- Realize that your mom probably has the best of intentions at heart. It's possible that there is something she sees in your betrothed that has set off alarm bells for her from her own personal past experiences. While her experiences are not yours, it might pay to at least consider whether any of her points are valid and address them with your partner before proceeding.
- For example, if your mom thinks that your betrothed is after your money, have an open discussion with your partner as to how you will counter such an allegation when it is raised by anyone in general. In fact, see your mom as a societal mirror in this case, and answer the questions she has posed to your satisfaction and then think of polite and convincing ways to respond to anyone who raises the same curious or unsettling issues.
- Consider getting together for a three-way chat. It may be useful to have a meeting between you, mom and your betrothed. Let your mother pose her questions. Let your fiance/e answer. Weigh carefully. Once again, this is your life and future at stake, and you would be wise to consider your mom's opinion, even if you end up with unchanged feelings and plans. At least this way, your mom will feel she got a fair hearing.
- Realize that it is going to take time for your mom to come around. More than that, an issue of pride and/or disappointment has to be overcome - her son or daughter is doing something that she thinks is breaking her heart, so you'll need to stand in her shoes for a time to understand the extent of her pain. Patience is the virtue that will get you through this time of her stubbornness or determination.
Part 4: Finding Supporters
- Find a supporter or two from within the rest of your family. However, don't create divisions. Let people know that you'd appreciate their support for your wedding and for your intended partner. It's their choice to react as they see fit, but seeing their support for you and your future spouse will help your mother to think through her concerns more objectively.
- In some cases, it may be helpful to have someone your mom trusts implicitly have a discussion about the marriage with her. This person could point out the opposite side to her objections in a way that is less fraught with emotions than between you and your mom.
Part 5: Making the Announcement More Widely
- Stand by your final decision. Let your mother (and the entire family) know that you've decided to go ahead and get married. And don't wait - when your mind is entirely made up, make the announcement, and keep it positive. Tell your mother privately that you now intend to declare your intentions to all. If there is any further resistance, at this point, you must take a firm, hard stand. Try to be as minimally harsh as possible, but let your mom know, in no uncertain terms, that the time for voicing her disagreeing opinions is now at an end.
- For example: Tell your mom, calmly and kindly, "Mom, I understand your concerns, you've made them crystal clear. I've heard you out and I haven't changed my mind or heart. We are getting married. I am not asking your permission. I would like your blessing. I hope you can give it. I plan to make this announcement at Thanksgiving dinner. I just wanted to let you know so that you aren't blindsided. Behave appropriately when I make that announcement. Yes, that is a warning."
- At the appointed time, announce clearly and happily that you are engaged. Hopefully, Mom will have taken your warning to heart. As long as mom keeps her mouth shut, be nice. It's all about simply getting along.
- Stay positive and keep your partner informed at all times. Your partner hasn't caused this; it is your mother's choice to respond in this way. Your partner deserves to know how you are dealing with it and what it means for the day of the wedding, for future life together. Ultimately, your future spouse needs to know that he or she comes first and that you don't agree with her point of view.
- Do let your partner know that you still care for your mom and that ultimately, you hope it'll all turn out for the best. That gives both of you an understanding that there is an intention to keep working on your relationship with your mom for the sake of everyone.
Edit Tips
- By the same token, don't shut the door to all contact unless your mother is truly toxic (that does happen, by the way). If things are so uncomfortable that you don't wish to visit often, at least call your mother once a month. Don't leave talk of your fiance/spouse out - chat happily. Never under any circumstances complain or point out any of your beloved's shortcomings - that will be the wedge your mother may exploit to drive a wedge between you and your spouse. Simply call her, chat with her, and be a good son or daughter. But don't allow her to badmouth your spouse, and don't allow her to be alone with your children if you worry that she might say anything negative to them about the situation.
- If your mom gets really upset and overheated, give her time and space. Under no circumstances should you listen to her cursing or belittling your partner; simply coolly inform her that if she continues talking in that manner, you will leave until she calms down. Don't give her the satisfaction of an ear-bashing.
- If you find it hard to think about being firm to your mom about the boundaries she must respect concerning your relationship, think about how she would like it if people told her what to do in her intimate relationships. This can help you to see that you are both individuals with the autonomy to make personal decisions without needing "permission". In some cases, it may also help you to realize that she was told what to do once and thinks that this is the way things are.
Edit Warnings
- If your mother can and will not control herself and be pleasant and courteous to your spouse, you must not subject your spouse to this treatment. It will poison your marriage. You are not to allow a parent to come between you and your spouse. Insist that your parent falls into line, or cut off painful contact. Allowing your mom to mistreat your spouse will only reinforce your parent's position, and she'll never come to the party. Don't leave it "between them" to work out. She is your mother. You handle her.